totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
