im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
