i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
