so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
