So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
