I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
