if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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