If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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