Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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