my soul wont recognize me after tonight
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why