Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
