Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
