We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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