I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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