apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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