# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You made out with two different species that night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
