I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
