you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can't turn off my feet"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
