I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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