I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
