if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
