Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
