I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
