I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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