Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
