Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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