Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
