How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
