I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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