I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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