i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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