Im at strip club and am horny
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
