Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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