I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
