I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Success! We fucked roommates!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
