Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
