Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
