i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
