Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
