Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
