sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
