Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
