I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
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The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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