Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
