dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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