That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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