There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
