Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
