Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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