If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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