If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
