you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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