dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
