Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
