I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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