She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
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i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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