You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
