Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
