its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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