i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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